Clit-Orations

Just a snippet from Mistress Magick’s brilliant post, Pseudo-Subs: Fantasy Wankers:

Top sign that you might be a Fantasy Wanker:

Do you keep changing the conversation or redirecting it back to your own desires/fantasies?

Real Submissives focus on their Mistress’ desires, revealing theirs as she is interested in hearing them. It is her job to weave them into their play in ways that they can both enjoy.

Fantasy Wankers focus on their own desires, but think that their dreams should automatically be a “service” to a Mistress, because it is in their fantasy. In reality, She may have not interest in that activity whatsoever. These are often the guys who should go to Pros, in that they are expecting a service: to have their fantasy acted out exactly as they desire.

Many Fetishes can fall into this category, in that they need their fetish to be done in an exact way in order for them to enjoy it. Even though they may be very sincere, they aren’t actually submissives, because they aren’t submitting to the desires and service of their Dom/mes.

This gets a hearty, “Amen!” from myself, and, I daresay, the rest of the dominant females here at Clit Orations. But that’s not the only reason I share it.

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of questions along the lines of, “How do I get my wife to dominate me?” Or, more accurately, they whine, “You’d think they’d want to boss me around and make me do stuff…”

But you see, that’s the problem; many of you male subs — especially those whining thus — are not really dreaming of doing her bidding. You are dreaming that she’ll do your bidding, bossing you around just the way you want it.

In BDSM circles, this is called “topping from the bottom” — and it’s an exhaustive subject, both in terms of the vast material and conversations going on about it and the dull, annoying repetitive energy a professional Domme like myself must put into it.

As Mistress Magick points out, this wishing vs. reality can be a chronic problem for any fetishist. One one hand, there are (usually quite) specific requirements to your kink and you dream of having them met; on the other, this rigidity can spoil things when the fantasy is taken out of your head and into real life. And when you try to take this sex fantasy into your vanilla partnership, the rigidity only adds performance anxiety to the other pressures and concerns.

As Mistress Magick also states, this is one of the reasons many male submissives seek the professional paid services of a Femdom — for the chance to live out their fantasies. But…

Not every professional Femdom, Dominatrix, etc. will provide that service. Or, if they are willing to deliver your fantasies and not expect you to submit to their whims, they may not be willing to provide the specific submissive fantasy delights you dream of.

After all, not all subs &/or sissies are alike, so why would Femme Dommes be?

It’s best to ask some questions, shop around even. And you must also be open to listening to what the professional has to say; if she’s truly a professional, she knows what she’s doing.

For those of you who have “played” with other Mistresses, professional or not, please kindly remember that trying to recreate those experiences with another partner is not likely to succeed.

I don’t think there is a woman (or man) anywhere who enjoys being compared to another and found wanting. So if & when you decide to take your submissive sex fantasies to your wife or real life lover, kindly remember your place as well as hers — and give her the chance to lead.

1 Comment | Tags: dominant female, how it works, power play, real world fantasies, sex fantasies, sexpert wis-domme, submissive husbands

In Those Kinky Goth Girls Caroline defines kink:

Kinky is deviancy: sexual deviancy (in my eyes). One can’t be any more precise than that; the ’strength’ will vary according to the perceiver’s norms, values and life experience.

Which is probably the most reasonable definition I’ve heard yet for such a subjective term.

She also discusses kink and feminism, saying:

They don’t sit easily together.

Why? It’s complex. Sometimes though, it feels like “we” are being accused of not looking beyond what facilitates sexual agency and empowerment, whereas sometimes I’m not sure “they” look beyond their own perceptions of what ’sexy’ involves. Why is dressing sexy bad? Because, they might say, it panders to the male’s perception of what is sexy. But why does that necessarily involve submissiveness? And why not look deeper into that - is it male? How do males really interpret sexy? Why is sexuality interpreted in terms of gender, does it need to be? I think it might be grand to look beyond that and poke at it a wee bit…

I must admit, I hear comments regarding my “posing” as a strong woman, a feminist, while “pandering as a Domme”.

There’s much to explore here, and like my earlier post it has much to do with over-simplified definitions & over-whelming expectations, but I must table it a bit while I recoup from the weekend of travel.

No Comments | Tags: dominant female, how it works, myths, sexpert wis-domme

From the November 1995 issue of The New Yorker. Photographer, Richard Avedon; model, Nadja Auermann. Via MaliciousGlamour.

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Ouija
Originally uploaded by Bohemiart

I’ll admit a certain kinship with ghosts and legendary creatures — as well as those who hunt them. I have a fascination with the thin walls of this world — or more accurately, their parting. I enjoy watching where they rip, and peering past such improbable, flimsy, restraints into what lies beyond.

I love where science meets faith and they challenge one another, head on; but unlike like rams at rut, the challenge is more probing and filled with awe. It’s like sex. Like good sex.

I like questioning what’s here as well as what is, if anything, beyond; and I aspire to create or recreate such possibilities for myself.

But I am no latitudinarian when it comes to the current use of the word “Gothic” and have even less use for those who call themselves “Goth”; for the most part they’ve taken all the quest, questioning, and longing out of it.

Gothic isn’t all dark pessimism; like the architecture, the true philosophy of “Gothic” reaches for the heavens.

More than a stone skeleton of columns and flying buttresses, the arches and spires orchestrate and conspire exploration of limits, suggesting a soul, if not flesh.

Ogive arches simultaneously point to heaven yet acquiesce to the burden, directing the force & weight of the burdens of such an improbable reach. They are designed to both create the light & provide the structure. Thus the imposing structures are as uplifting as they are intimidating.

Spires, like the obelisks before them, were as much spears as prayers. Each spire a show of strength, a demand, an impotent quest… A phallus thrusting for admission, the aching alms of humanity constructed in entreaty and defiance. And wonder.

Lacking in spires leaves one emotionally, and literally, without aspirations. This is why, even when spires were lost quickly — within just a few short years crumbling & falling from their heights — they are etched in our minds. Their visual ambitions are recalled; remembered not for failure, but honored for the balls & glory to try.

When those self-described Gothic persons only see or believe in “darkness” and “gloom” without reaching, without romance, they’ve made it as base as fucking.

It is true that you must omit light to have utter darkness; but to believe it is simple to do, to ignore the battle & dismiss the conquest is folly. Where light probes dark, where dark resists & envelopes light, where one forces the other to give way and submit, this is where the beauty of possibility lies.

Simply starting from, or existing only in, darkness is to miss the the contrast, the interplay.

slivers of light, shivers of delight
despair in the dark, declare in the dark

When people forget to reach for (let alone acknowledge) the light, they miss the beauty. But I thrill at such purpose of discovery.

I find it stimulating how the unknown curls into a ball to protect itself from the parry and thrust of intellect, how beauty cannot be dissected & replicated as the sum of its parts, how seeking is as much about the love & adoration as it is the desire to know — it must be, for we know we are doomed from the start. We are either doomed to remain ignorant, doomed to our discoveries and have the magic removed, or doomed to only have more questions. We know this, and yet we continue anyway.

I arouse at the intercourse of light and dark, finger tips of one penetrating the other, in the push-comes-to-shove exploration of faith and science in the pursuit of truth… Where force may oft be best plied as a reverent whisper, and the brute force of denial may result in our own scream of anguish. And either may be the surprising key to open the door.

This is why I like power play, power exchange, BDSM, whatever you call it. It’s probing, challenging, illumination, squelching… The twisting turns of our bodies and souls. The awe.

It’s where the spill of release may be as readily achieved by a soft moan in the ear as it is by a cruel word spate in harsh tones… a feathery touch on a tender place, followed by the hard crack of leather.

Tell me you “can’t come that way” and I’ll apply my knowledge of you, leveraging your grey matter as well as your physical parts at precise points, until I have you drooling like Pavlov’s dog from your genitals — the orgasm at the end of the world, rending the fabric of your reality.

For you, the sub, it is in the darkness of subspace that you find illumination, salvation, and the desire for more; the soft grey veils part, exposing glimpses of additional mystery. For me, the Domme, a chance to regain, however slight, access to the very same. Even if only in my subs eyes and sighs…

Oh, heavens — this devious angel has long missed you.

I continue to reach.

Gothic BDSM images by Vlad Gansovsky.

1 Comment | Tags: about Nikki Nines, art, Gothic, how it works, myths, power play, real world fantasies, sexpert wis-domme

Another conversation with IC, who tries so hard to resist…

IC: Imagine if you were fucking with my head, what would happen?

Me: Delightful things, I’m sure :batting lashes:

IC: Mmmmm….

Your so good to me.

Me: See, you like me!

IC: LOL!

Ya think?

Its actually a love/hate relationship… The soul hates what your doing to me because it knows it’s all wrong but the body and mind which are weak love you because of the manipulation (It feels so good).

Me: Don’t you see? We’re so compatible; I’m soft in all the places you’re hard and you’re weak where I am strong.

IC: Ya, I guess your right.

I’m going to have to add that with my most favorite manipulative quotes you through at me.

But the scary thing about all that you say is there is truth in what you say.

Me: piggy has a book of Angel quotes? How cute. It’s like I’m your Oprah.

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