Category Archives: Toys Are Better Than Boys

This Is What You Need When I’m Not Around

Of course, I’d still like to see the ass-kicking machine in use — one loser receives the punishment while another, awaiting his turn, operates the crank. The rest of you wait on your knees, like good little piggies.

A patent illustration found at Futility Closet.

Because You Wank Off A Lot, Loser

I know you use a lot of sex toys — I mean, you dirty little pigs are always trying to pull that tiny tool, whether it’s to make it look bigger (less like a clit and more like a dick) or to spew that thimble-full of cum. And I know how you love to take huge things up your ass too. So why not put that knowledge of masturbators, dildos and other sex toys to good use? Review the sex toys you’ve used and maybe you can win $250 worth of sex toys in this contest. Of course, if you win, you’ll be sending Me the gift certificate. Heaven knows you can’t please Me, so I deserve something that will. Plus, I’m always worthy of gifts.

Girly Gossip About Girly Bits

Chatting with fresh meat at NiteFlirt — a new phone siren named Klaudia (who has a HUGE foot & shoe fetish, even if she won’t call it that). And the conversation goes a little something like this:

Me: Workin’ the naughty librarian fantasy, huh.

Klaudia: Yup.

Me: Think ‘quiet’ will work on the phone?

Klaudia: Well, I may be quiet back in the stacks, but…

Me (smelling a great story): But…?

Klaudia: Well, let’s put it this way; I’m not exactly whispering when I’m using my Hitachi Magic Wand.

Me: Yeah?

Klaudia: Yeah. Today I had the morning off, and well, I was trying to get off before the mailman would arrive and hear me screaming on the other side of the wall — but I heard him at the box (the mail box, not my box lol) and instead of stopping I said to myself, “Mailman, this one’s for you,” and screamed my way to squirting a mess on the towels I’d put down on the couch.

Me: Awesome. And I’m pretty sure that will work on the phone, girl.

Pearls Before Swine

Yup, those are pantyhose with a string of “pearls” in the crotch. And yup, those pearls get to My pussy before any piggies do — because those pearls are going to do more for Me than any pathetic pig is.

love_beads_pantyhose-11

Now all you piggies have to do is tribute Me so I can buy them.  Hey, it’s the only way you’ll even get close to putting anything near My pussy lips…

Do it. Now.

Because All I’ve Got Are Pathetic Piggies

liberte-vibe-by-natural-contoursMy latest BFF is the Natural Contours LIBERTÉ™ personal massager — it’s such a pleasin’ hot little number — with real horse-power under it’s hood (for my throbbin’ Little Red Pink Riding Hood) that I’ve even taken it out onto the front porch of my trailer to masturbate like a sweaty fiend under the cool night breezes.

So there I was, flushed and sweaty, my cotton nightshirt hiked up ’round my hips, naked from the waist down, panting & cooing my personal pleasure to the piggies who were equally frantic, snorting & panting to their own dirty deeds, in the bushes; my dog howling his forlorn accompaniment on the other side of the screen door.

For one and a half hours.

Now the outdoor marathon masturbation event was not because the damn thing didn’t work — quite the opposite, my dears. If you thought I was frustrated or whatever, then consider these two things you don’t know:

1 I don’t put up with lame crap; I’ll toss a weak-ass vibe quicker than I’ll turn down sock-puppet cock.

2 I am, like most women, multi-orgasmic (and if you don’t think that’s true, you’ve been doing something everything terribly wrong, pig!) and so I’ll let the good times roll for as long as I can.

Now, why is the Natural Contours LIBERTÉ™ (which is cheaper at Amazon) so damn good?

1 Because of it’s shape. It may not look like your usual vibe or dildo — and that’s because it isn’t. Connoisseurs of fine sex toys likely noticed the curved shape — angled for the G-Spot (amazingly accurate, and I have the wet spots from squirting on my porch to prove it). But see that “dip” too? That clever “ergonomic” design element lets you both penetrate and pleasure your magic spot as well as reach your magic button — at the same time!

Daymn.

2 Three fucking speedsplus, my personal favorite, pulsating buzzes! Because sometimes you want to let it do the work while you play with your own nipples, or just tuck your arms behind your head and ride the waves, baby.

3 It’s made of hard plastic (officially it’s high quality anti-bacterial plastic called ABS); no wimpy sad-sack gel (and it’s cleaning/health issues) wanted to make this pussycat purr

So why wouldn’t I want to spend an hour and a half with such a dear friend?

That’s eight inches of genius fake penis.

PS The massager requires two AA batteries — which are included!