Clit-Orations

Just a snippet from Mistress Magick’s brilliant post, Pseudo-Subs: Fantasy Wankers:

Top sign that you might be a Fantasy Wanker:

Do you keep changing the conversation or redirecting it back to your own desires/fantasies?

Real Submissives focus on their Mistress’ desires, revealing theirs as she is interested in hearing them. It is her job to weave them into their play in ways that they can both enjoy.

Fantasy Wankers focus on their own desires, but think that their dreams should automatically be a “service” to a Mistress, because it is in their fantasy. In reality, She may have not interest in that activity whatsoever. These are often the guys who should go to Pros, in that they are expecting a service: to have their fantasy acted out exactly as they desire.

Many Fetishes can fall into this category, in that they need their fetish to be done in an exact way in order for them to enjoy it. Even though they may be very sincere, they aren’t actually submissives, because they aren’t submitting to the desires and service of their Dom/mes.

This gets a hearty, “Amen!” from myself, and, I daresay, the rest of the dominant females here at Clit Orations. But that’s not the only reason I share it.

Lately, I’ve been getting a lot of questions along the lines of, “How do I get my wife to dominate me?” Or, more accurately, they whine, “You’d think they’d want to boss me around and make me do stuff…”

But you see, that’s the problem; many of you male subs — especially those whining thus — are not really dreaming of doing her bidding. You are dreaming that she’ll do your bidding, bossing you around just the way you want it.

In BDSM circles, this is called “topping from the bottom” — and it’s an exhaustive subject, both in terms of the vast material and conversations going on about it and the dull, annoying repetitive energy a professional Domme like myself must put into it.

As Mistress Magick points out, this wishing vs. reality can be a chronic problem for any fetishist. One one hand, there are (usually quite) specific requirements to your kink and you dream of having them met; on the other, this rigidity can spoil things when the fantasy is taken out of your head and into real life. And when you try to take this sex fantasy into your vanilla partnership, the rigidity only adds performance anxiety to the other pressures and concerns.

As Mistress Magick also states, this is one of the reasons many male submissives seek the professional paid services of a Femdom — for the chance to live out their fantasies. But…

Not every professional Femdom, Dominatrix, etc. will provide that service. Or, if they are willing to deliver your fantasies and not expect you to submit to their whims, they may not be willing to provide the specific submissive fantasy delights you dream of.

After all, not all subs &/or sissies are alike, so why would Femme Dommes be?

It’s best to ask some questions, shop around even. And you must also be open to listening to what the professional has to say; if she’s truly a professional, she knows what she’s doing.

For those of you who have “played” with other Mistresses, professional or not, please kindly remember that trying to recreate those experiences with another partner is not likely to succeed.

I don’t think there is a woman (or man) anywhere who enjoys being compared to another and found wanting. So if & when you decide to take your submissive sex fantasies to your wife or real life lover, kindly remember your place as well as hers — and give her the chance to lead.

1 Comment | Tags: dominant female, how it works, power play, real world fantasies, sex fantasies, sexpert wis-domme, submissive husbands

In Those Kinky Goth Girls Caroline defines kink:

Kinky is deviancy: sexual deviancy (in my eyes). One can’t be any more precise than that; the ’strength’ will vary according to the perceiver’s norms, values and life experience.

Which is probably the most reasonable definition I’ve heard yet for such a subjective term.

She also discusses kink and feminism, saying:

They don’t sit easily together.

Why? It’s complex. Sometimes though, it feels like “we” are being accused of not looking beyond what facilitates sexual agency and empowerment, whereas sometimes I’m not sure “they” look beyond their own perceptions of what ’sexy’ involves. Why is dressing sexy bad? Because, they might say, it panders to the male’s perception of what is sexy. But why does that necessarily involve submissiveness? And why not look deeper into that - is it male? How do males really interpret sexy? Why is sexuality interpreted in terms of gender, does it need to be? I think it might be grand to look beyond that and poke at it a wee bit…

I must admit, I hear comments regarding my “posing” as a strong woman, a feminist, while “pandering as a Domme”.

There’s much to explore here, and like my earlier post it has much to do with over-simplified definitions & over-whelming expectations, but I must table it a bit while I recoup from the weekend of travel.

No Comments | Tags: dominant female, how it works, myths, sexpert wis-domme

From the November 1995 issue of The New Yorker. Photographer, Richard Avedon; model, Nadja Auermann. Via MaliciousGlamour.

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