Tag Archives: masturbation

It’s Time For The Great Pumpkining, Charlie Brown

you know what pumpkining is, loser. It’s when sad sacks like you are forced to relieve themselves by carving holes into pumpkins and fucking the hell out of it. ‘Tis the season.

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife but couldn’t keep her;
So he stuck it in a pumpkin shell
While BBC kept her very well.

As with My other humiliating Halloween challenge, I may just agree to watch you on cam as you stick your dicklet into a pumpkin and pump away — hell, I might just let you come in it too.

fuck-a-pumpkin-pumpkining-losersMaybe.

Maybe not.

Whatever.

you’ll need My chat IDs, of course; and then you’ll need to book your session with Me. Oh, yeah, you’ll need a pumpkin too.

Don’t worry; you won’t need The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. A little one will do for your little pumpkin-pounder sock puppet of a cock.

In fact, you might be better off using just a small gourd. Or maybe even a cherry tomato.

But, if you’re gonna go a pumpkining a lot, get a big one and you can carve a lot of holes in it.

Pair of panties, optional.

Pervy offer valid from now through Thanksgiving.

 

 

Because You Wank Off A Lot, Loser

I know you use a lot of sex toys — I mean, you dirty little pigs are always trying to pull that tiny tool, whether it’s to make it look bigger (less like a clit and more like a dick) or to spew that thimble-full of cum. And I know how you love to take huge things up your ass too. So why not put that knowledge of masturbators, dildos and other sex toys to good use? Review the sex toys you’ve used and maybe you can win $250 worth of sex toys in this contest. Of course, if you win, you’ll be sending Me the gift certificate. Heaven knows you can’t please Me, so I deserve something that will. Plus, I’m always worthy of gifts.

NiteFlirt Update

Just a little note about the situation at NiteFlirt…

Yes, the “upgrades” and “platform changes” are taking longer than NF has anticipated; yes, it there are problems and frustrations for all. This is why your little piece of trailer trash is being kinder than usual *wink*

NiteFlirt is slowly getting back online and on the phone lines — they are not going away, and I am still here to torture, tease & please you. I’m hoping this message can help us with that.

Currently, NF is on a beta or testing site. The URLs have changed, including PPV games. Currently, you can find my listings here: http://beta.niteflirt.com/users/Not%20Your%20Angel

Looking at that URL, you might see the differences:

– there’s a “beta.” before the main site name

– there’s a “/user/” between the site name and the flirt’s name/ID

So you might — might — be able to find your other flirts that way.

Given the technological bumps — that disconnected calls (or those unable to be continued without the usual 1 minute warnings and options to add funds to your account) can disturb otherwise smooth sailing self-flailing — and the increased number of messages I’m receiving to help y’all, I suggest we restrict our play to PPV games and messages for the time being. (Don’t whine; it’s your number one favorite pastime!)

Should you have any problems with messaging me via NiteFlirt, I suggest you let me know by posting a comment at my blog, Clit-Orations, where a copy of this message is also posted.

I hope this helps you — because with all this tension, I sure could use a little extra release, how ’bout you?

Get ready to squeal, piglet!
Trailer Trash Angel (Not Your Angel)

PS While I work at NiteFlirt, I am not an employee of NiteFlirt and as such, I may not be able to address your concerns and issues — however, you don’t come to me for technological issues, do you? You come to me for a different sort of servicing, don’t you? So let’s see how we can get back to that, shall we?

Girly Gossip About Girly Bits

Chatting with fresh meat at NiteFlirt — a new phone siren named Klaudia (who has a HUGE foot & shoe fetish, even if she won’t call it that). And the conversation goes a little something like this:

Me: Workin’ the naughty librarian fantasy, huh.

Klaudia: Yup.

Me: Think ‘quiet’ will work on the phone?

Klaudia: Well, I may be quiet back in the stacks, but…

Me (smelling a great story): But…?

Klaudia: Well, let’s put it this way; I’m not exactly whispering when I’m using my Hitachi Magic Wand.

Me: Yeah?

Klaudia: Yeah. Today I had the morning off, and well, I was trying to get off before the mailman would arrive and hear me screaming on the other side of the wall — but I heard him at the box (the mail box, not my box lol) and instead of stopping I said to myself, “Mailman, this one’s for you,” and screamed my way to squirting a mess on the towels I’d put down on the couch.

Me: Awesome. And I’m pretty sure that will work on the phone, girl.

Because All I’ve Got Are Pathetic Piggies

liberte-vibe-by-natural-contoursMy latest BFF is the Natural Contours LIBERTÉ™ personal massager — it’s such a pleasin’ hot little number — with real horse-power under it’s hood (for my throbbin’ Little Red Pink Riding Hood) that I’ve even taken it out onto the front porch of my trailer to masturbate like a sweaty fiend under the cool night breezes.

So there I was, flushed and sweaty, my cotton nightshirt hiked up ’round my hips, naked from the waist down, panting & cooing my personal pleasure to the piggies who were equally frantic, snorting & panting to their own dirty deeds, in the bushes; my dog howling his forlorn accompaniment on the other side of the screen door.

For one and a half hours.

Now the outdoor marathon masturbation event was not because the damn thing didn’t work — quite the opposite, my dears. If you thought I was frustrated or whatever, then consider these two things you don’t know:

1 I don’t put up with lame crap; I’ll toss a weak-ass vibe quicker than I’ll turn down sock-puppet cock.

2 I am, like most women, multi-orgasmic (and if you don’t think that’s true, you’ve been doing something everything terribly wrong, pig!) and so I’ll let the good times roll for as long as I can.

Now, why is the Natural Contours LIBERTÉ™ (which is cheaper at Amazon) so damn good?

1 Because of it’s shape. It may not look like your usual vibe or dildo — and that’s because it isn’t. Connoisseurs of fine sex toys likely noticed the curved shape — angled for the G-Spot (amazingly accurate, and I have the wet spots from squirting on my porch to prove it). But see that “dip” too? That clever “ergonomic” design element lets you both penetrate and pleasure your magic spot as well as reach your magic button — at the same time!

Daymn.

2 Three fucking speedsplus, my personal favorite, pulsating buzzes! Because sometimes you want to let it do the work while you play with your own nipples, or just tuck your arms behind your head and ride the waves, baby.

3 It’s made of hard plastic (officially it’s high quality anti-bacterial plastic called ABS); no wimpy sad-sack gel (and it’s cleaning/health issues) wanted to make this pussycat purr

So why wouldn’t I want to spend an hour and a half with such a dear friend?

That’s eight inches of genius fake penis.

PS The massager requires two AA batteries — which are included!