Tag Archives: sex toys

It’s Time For The Great Pumpkining, Charlie Brown

you know what pumpkining is, loser. It’s when sad sacks like you are forced to relieve themselves by carving holes into pumpkins and fucking the hell out of it. ‘Tis the season.

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater,
Had a wife but couldn’t keep her;
So he stuck it in a pumpkin shell
While BBC kept her very well.

As with My other humiliating Halloween challenge, I may just agree to watch you on cam as you stick your dicklet into a pumpkin and pump away — hell, I might just let you come in it too.

fuck-a-pumpkin-pumpkining-losersMaybe.

Maybe not.

Whatever.

you’ll need My chat IDs, of course; and then you’ll need to book your session with Me. Oh, yeah, you’ll need a pumpkin too.

Don’t worry; you won’t need The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. A little one will do for your little pumpkin-pounder sock puppet of a cock.

In fact, you might be better off using just a small gourd. Or maybe even a cherry tomato.

But, if you’re gonna go a pumpkining a lot, get a big one and you can carve a lot of holes in it.

Pair of panties, optional.

Pervy offer valid from now through Thanksgiving.

 

 

Humiliating Halloween Challenge

It’s not that I want to see you at Halloween — or any other time, really. I mean you are such a loseras if! But sometimes I take pity on very insignificant pigs and will watch them on cam. There, little losers perform to amuse Me, the Queen Of Mean. This year, to keep things more interesting for Me — and befitting your status as a lowly servant — I command you to get not one, but two Dobby the House Elf masks. One for your ugly face & another to hide that sad little sock puppet cock of yours.

ugly dobby servant mask

I’m sure a child’s mask will do. But you may just impress Me if you find an even smaller one to put on that wee willie! I mean, there are options, like taking the head off a Dobby figure and placing it over that button-cock of yours. Look, this one even has a sock! And a diary, symbolic of your loser confessions.

Dobby the House Elf Poseable Action Figure with Diary and Sock

Hey, it’s also poseable! So get two of those; I have other bad ideas…

If you think that Malfoy was cruel and sadistic to poor little Dobby, well, you just haven’t met Me yet. I assure you, I’m far worse. I can make a loser pig cry on cam in less than 10 minutes. …And yet, they beg for more!

Don’t miss out; book your humiliating session now.

PS If you’re too frightened to appear before Me on cam, you can still participate by sending Me photo confessions of your hidden Halloween Dobby-dick. ..Who knows, I might just post them here for all to see?

Because You Wank Off A Lot, Loser

I know you use a lot of sex toys — I mean, you dirty little pigs are always trying to pull that tiny tool, whether it’s to make it look bigger (less like a clit and more like a dick) or to spew that thimble-full of cum. And I know how you love to take huge things up your ass too. So why not put that knowledge of masturbators, dildos and other sex toys to good use? Review the sex toys you’ve used and maybe you can win $250 worth of sex toys in this contest. Of course, if you win, you’ll be sending Me the gift certificate. Heaven knows you can’t please Me, so I deserve something that will. Plus, I’m always worthy of gifts.

Girly Gossip About Girly Bits

Chatting with fresh meat at NiteFlirt — a new phone siren named Klaudia (who has a HUGE foot & shoe fetish, even if she won’t call it that). And the conversation goes a little something like this:

Me: Workin’ the naughty librarian fantasy, huh.

Klaudia: Yup.

Me: Think ‘quiet’ will work on the phone?

Klaudia: Well, I may be quiet back in the stacks, but…

Me (smelling a great story): But…?

Klaudia: Well, let’s put it this way; I’m not exactly whispering when I’m using my Hitachi Magic Wand.

Me: Yeah?

Klaudia: Yeah. Today I had the morning off, and well, I was trying to get off before the mailman would arrive and hear me screaming on the other side of the wall — but I heard him at the box (the mail box, not my box lol) and instead of stopping I said to myself, “Mailman, this one’s for you,” and screamed my way to squirting a mess on the towels I’d put down on the couch.

Me: Awesome. And I’m pretty sure that will work on the phone, girl.

Because All I’ve Got Are Pathetic Piggies

liberte-vibe-by-natural-contoursMy latest BFF is the Natural Contours LIBERTÉ™ personal massager — it’s such a pleasin’ hot little number — with real horse-power under it’s hood (for my throbbin’ Little Red Pink Riding Hood) that I’ve even taken it out onto the front porch of my trailer to masturbate like a sweaty fiend under the cool night breezes.

So there I was, flushed and sweaty, my cotton nightshirt hiked up ’round my hips, naked from the waist down, panting & cooing my personal pleasure to the piggies who were equally frantic, snorting & panting to their own dirty deeds, in the bushes; my dog howling his forlorn accompaniment on the other side of the screen door.

For one and a half hours.

Now the outdoor marathon masturbation event was not because the damn thing didn’t work — quite the opposite, my dears. If you thought I was frustrated or whatever, then consider these two things you don’t know:

1 I don’t put up with lame crap; I’ll toss a weak-ass vibe quicker than I’ll turn down sock-puppet cock.

2 I am, like most women, multi-orgasmic (and if you don’t think that’s true, you’ve been doing something everything terribly wrong, pig!) and so I’ll let the good times roll for as long as I can.

Now, why is the Natural Contours LIBERTÉ™ (which is cheaper at Amazon) so damn good?

1 Because of it’s shape. It may not look like your usual vibe or dildo — and that’s because it isn’t. Connoisseurs of fine sex toys likely noticed the curved shape — angled for the G-Spot (amazingly accurate, and I have the wet spots from squirting on my porch to prove it). But see that “dip” too? That clever “ergonomic” design element lets you both penetrate and pleasure your magic spot as well as reach your magic button — at the same time!

Daymn.

2 Three fucking speedsplus, my personal favorite, pulsating buzzes! Because sometimes you want to let it do the work while you play with your own nipples, or just tuck your arms behind your head and ride the waves, baby.

3 It’s made of hard plastic (officially it’s high quality anti-bacterial plastic called ABS); no wimpy sad-sack gel (and it’s cleaning/health issues) wanted to make this pussycat purr

So why wouldn’t I want to spend an hour and a half with such a dear friend?

That’s eight inches of genius fake penis.

PS The massager requires two AA batteries — which are included!